The Sound I Hate

I just talked to a military wife and heard the sound I hate, the wavering in her voice. Military spouses are so seasoned at hiding their trouble, that when I hear the voice waiver, I know it’s bad. But if you were to ask how they are, military wives will always say ‘fine’. Ask if they need anything. They will always say ‘Ahh.., nooo’. That right there is the very subtle key for which you are listening. That slightest of pauses and the slightly drawn out ‘no’. If you listen too quickly you’ll miss it. If you hear it, the next puzzle is what to do! Personally, that sound always makes me feel like crying for them (because remember, if you hear it, things are bad). So I have to take a deep breath. Then I try to focus on one concrete detail and I ask about it or talk about it: a date, a time, a ship, an illness, an upcoming event or activity, anything focused and concrete. Typically I end up hesitating or saying something dumb the first time, but I persist and keep trying. Persist! She didn’t hang up on you or turn away. So the persistence is worthwhile. If you can keep the conversation engaged until you sense a sign of relief, you have given that person a wonderful gift which will propel her through the next day, week, month (it doesn’t last a year). These women are resilient. They can take a momentary gift of someone showing care and understanding and feed off of it for a very long time. Definitely say (only if you mean it) ‘If you need something, call me.’ If she does call you, take it as a deep honor. Typically she won’t, because you just gave her the safety net she needs to make it on her own. 11/2009

Two people sitting on base

He was rubbing his friend's back. His friend was hunched over, head on knees. Sorrow or pain held in t-shirts and jeans. The truck was pulled over, hazard lights flashing. The door was still open. They were taking a moment. Rejoice! They were taking a moment! There, on a sunny, breezy San Diego day, sitting in the weeds on the side of a main road on the Marine Corps Base. They needed a minute, or few.
As a passerby I can’t know their story. I couldn’t even tell the gender of the person doubled over. Was she a young wife with morning sickness? Were they two friends who had just lost a buddy in the violence of war? Was she just exhausted with the tensions, unknowns, and weight of having to hold their world together while he was gone? Were they a couple working things out after a long deployment?
Sizing up the situation as I drove up, I quickly decided that the hurting person had help. Nothing I had to offer was needed. A couple of friends, on a busy military base, just needed to stop the world, get out of the car, and take a moment. I hope I see more of that.

A Mini Emotional Roller Coaster

Today I went to the Commissary. It's mid-October. The Halloween items were in the seasonal display nook to the left of me. Quick mental accounting – next week will do for buying candy. A little further on the seasonal summer fruits were finally gone (this is CA after all). Instead, the Christmas stuff was out. Pang. Though it was opposite of what I endured for almost 2 years. This pang was – oh! I bet wives are planning their husbands’ care packages already. And then a reflexive Oh! for myself, as my mind started to put together a mental care package list for my husband. But it stopped itself with a realization. He’s HOME. Then I was flooded with sadness for what was, followed by relief for what is. All in about 2 seconds. 10/16/09

Connectivity

He called from LAX. I could hear the guy next to him talking about his Petty Officers more clearly than I could hear my husband on his cell phone! Fifteen hours later, he called on his cell from Sydney. The reception was clear as a bell. Modern communication is awesome. And changing. And a new system to learn. Last year we were on webcam. I found that to be emotional. There is something hard for me about seeing the person but not being able to be together. Facebook is a little bit like that for me, as well. I find the photos of family and friends draw out an emotional response that e-mail alone doesn't. At the same time, I wouldn't trade that ability to see the people who are far from me! 7/7/09

Perspective Gained

Today I got confirmation on what the in-two, out-two weeks will be like. The little one did not want Daddy to come home. “Can’t he just stay in a hotel for a week?” Even at age seven, she is aware of the emotional roller coaster of having Dad home for a week and then gone again. So we discussed being so happy to see him, and then the huge let down and disappointment that she knows will come a week later when he has to go away. As the astute child said so plainly, “And in between we don’t get to spend much time with him because he has to unpack and pack and go to work!” Yes, dear. That is just how mommy feels. So we discussed it. Then the anger, door banging, and go-away shouting of the morning started to melt from her. The stuffed animal and blanket ‘ammo fort’ changed into a fort of hiding for self protection from bad feelings. I got my hugs that she was withholding like ransom for control of her feelings, and she got to escape into the peaceful bliss of Sponge Bob for an hour or so. Hey, we all need our escapes, right? My requirements are acknowledgement that it is an escape, and knowing what it is that is being escaped, to the extent that a seven year old can know it. Hmm, ice cream, avoiding paperwork, FB. I should put those requirements on myself! 7/18/09

The Call

He called today, just as I finished dealing with two grumpy kids in the middle of dinner. Quick news from down under! The flight in tomorrow will be delayed. Here are the new times, choice of two; the later it is!...unless I call you.

I feel like I'm in secretary mode, "Uh huh, uh huh, gotcha. Well, have a safe trip and I hope you get in some sight-seeing between now and then!" It's an expensive cell phone call, so that's the end of it. I reflect, in some ways being away for 16 months to Bahrain was better. Then at least, we got to have regular phone calls twice a week, plus a webcam session. Oh, but then I reflect deeper. That really stunk. All five of us wafted in and out of emotional wreckage, and how many times did I have to have a personal cry-fest before I could compose myself (and reapply concealer) before going on webcam? And how many times did the webcam session fail just as I had settled into it, practically ripping my heart with my composure? Far too many! Ok, perspective reached. Two weeks away with a few e-mails and short business like phone calls is better. Let's see how perspective lasts once the in-two, out-two's start.... 7/17/09

Iron Mountain

Yesterday I got a friend to run Iron Mountain with me. It’s about 2700’ at the top, and the route we took is about 1000’ change in elevation. It’s a favorite hike that we’ve done before in about 2 hours; my goal is to one day run it in one hour. Before we started our run, I thought about the mountain. I recalled how exhausted I was after the very first time I’d hiked it. I envisioned its size and what I remembered of it’s sometimes steep and rocky path. I thought it would slam me back down in the first ¼ mile. I figured that I’d have to retreat and keep repeatedly trying, over the course of months, to win my goal with the mountain. I was willing to do battle with it.

It didn’t immediately slam me down! We ‘ran’ it all the way up and down in about an hour and a half. I say ‘ran’ because we only ran about half the time on the way up, and less on the way down, slowing to a more sure-footed pace after I almost turned my ankle three times. It was great, and I will definitely do it again! Isn’t that how we often deal with life’s challenges – family illnesses, moves, deployments? We fling ourselves at them, ready to do battle. And sometimes we are pleasantly surprised that even the steep, rugged mountains are more manageable than we thought.

A couple hours after the run, I did have that queasy stomach and stiff back feeling that comes after having had the wind knocked out of you. An hour long nap that passed in the blink of eye took care of that. It is just like me, the delayed reaction. It takes time for challenging events to register. I let them ride on top, until after some time the feelings sink in and hit deep. But I think that is what makes me able to be a Navy spouse. I over-stress, visualize and plan for the worst. In the thick of the action, I handle it. I have learned that a key part to regrouping and being ready for the next challenge is adequate downtime and rest. 10/26/09