The Sound I Hate

I just talked to a military wife and heard the sound I hate, the wavering in her voice. Military spouses are so seasoned at hiding their trouble, that when I hear the voice waiver, I know it’s bad. But if you were to ask how they are, military wives will always say ‘fine’. Ask if they need anything. They will always say ‘Ahh.., nooo’. That right there is the very subtle key for which you are listening. That slightest of pauses and the slightly drawn out ‘no’. If you listen too quickly you’ll miss it. If you hear it, the next puzzle is what to do! Personally, that sound always makes me feel like crying for them (because remember, if you hear it, things are bad). So I have to take a deep breath. Then I try to focus on one concrete detail and I ask about it or talk about it: a date, a time, a ship, an illness, an upcoming event or activity, anything focused and concrete. Typically I end up hesitating or saying something dumb the first time, but I persist and keep trying. Persist! She didn’t hang up on you or turn away. So the persistence is worthwhile. If you can keep the conversation engaged until you sense a sign of relief, you have given that person a wonderful gift which will propel her through the next day, week, month (it doesn’t last a year). These women are resilient. They can take a momentary gift of someone showing care and understanding and feed off of it for a very long time. Definitely say (only if you mean it) ‘If you need something, call me.’ If she does call you, take it as a deep honor. Typically she won’t, because you just gave her the safety net she needs to make it on her own. 11/2009

Two people sitting on base

He was rubbing his friend's back. His friend was hunched over, head on knees. Sorrow or pain held in t-shirts and jeans. The truck was pulled over, hazard lights flashing. The door was still open. They were taking a moment. Rejoice! They were taking a moment! There, on a sunny, breezy San Diego day, sitting in the weeds on the side of a main road on the Marine Corps Base. They needed a minute, or few.
As a passerby I can’t know their story. I couldn’t even tell the gender of the person doubled over. Was she a young wife with morning sickness? Were they two friends who had just lost a buddy in the violence of war? Was she just exhausted with the tensions, unknowns, and weight of having to hold their world together while he was gone? Were they a couple working things out after a long deployment?
Sizing up the situation as I drove up, I quickly decided that the hurting person had help. Nothing I had to offer was needed. A couple of friends, on a busy military base, just needed to stop the world, get out of the car, and take a moment. I hope I see more of that.