The Sound I Hate

I just talked to a military wife and heard the sound I hate, the wavering in her voice. Military spouses are so seasoned at hiding their trouble, that when I hear the voice waiver, I know it’s bad. But if you were to ask how they are, military wives will always say ‘fine’. Ask if they need anything. They will always say ‘Ahh.., nooo’. That right there is the very subtle key for which you are listening. That slightest of pauses and the slightly drawn out ‘no’. If you listen too quickly you’ll miss it. If you hear it, the next puzzle is what to do! Personally, that sound always makes me feel like crying for them (because remember, if you hear it, things are bad). So I have to take a deep breath. Then I try to focus on one concrete detail and I ask about it or talk about it: a date, a time, a ship, an illness, an upcoming event or activity, anything focused and concrete. Typically I end up hesitating or saying something dumb the first time, but I persist and keep trying. Persist! She didn’t hang up on you or turn away. So the persistence is worthwhile. If you can keep the conversation engaged until you sense a sign of relief, you have given that person a wonderful gift which will propel her through the next day, week, month (it doesn’t last a year). These women are resilient. They can take a momentary gift of someone showing care and understanding and feed off of it for a very long time. Definitely say (only if you mean it) ‘If you need something, call me.’ If she does call you, take it as a deep honor. Typically she won’t, because you just gave her the safety net she needs to make it on her own. 11/2009