A Window

My computer screen is like a window, but sometimes the promise of seeing a wider scope lacks excitement. This is one of those times. Boredom leads me to ask myself, "What am I looking for?" I open the Outlook window and start with e-mail. Not interested in ads, sales, or planning the kids' soccer schedules right now, I move to Facebook. It is like flipping on the TV during a long commercial break. I get some enjoyment out of the brief stimulation given by 'flipping' through posts, letting my mind wander quickly from one topic to another. Feeling chatty, I'll toss out comments and get some satisfaction of interaction in ways that the old, and these days more and more infrequent, e-mail conversations and phone calls used to give. But it is short lived consolation and I log off.

I could be productive! At certain, though infrequent, times, opening Quicken and being one hundred percent on top of the household financial ins and outs is a nice outlet. It does produce a nice sense of self-micromanagement and control! But that's not what I'm after at the moment, either. The computer window should be image-oriented visual, right? Pictures! I can upload, reduce red eye, label, organize. Those are all good, productive tasks. But it's late and I'm not after productivity. It's time to wind down. So I close the picture manager window and pause as I think about shutting down the computer, my 'window' to the outside world. And there, on the desktop background, is the picture I took of my husband waving at me in digital blues with a seabag on his back as I dropped him off to catch the ship. It's been four busy, productive, even-keeled days. I've even enjoyed my time with the children, quiet time reading, and catching part of a movie on TV. But now I recognize my pattern of jumping from one window to the next, looking for something I can't find. I'm just missing him.
Written Spring 2010